last week, I edited my friendster profile, I just wanted to include spiderman as one of my fave movie. Then just for the heck of it, I changed my status from single to open relationship (basically that’s what I’m into right now, no matter how I dislike the situation.) my friends laughed about it, then yesterday, the person responsible for the “open relationship” thingy.. was smiling when we met,coz he saw my new profile. ".nakita ko status mo sa friendster,open relationship –natawa ako don ah.".It was not supposed to be funny, but I didn’t pursue the subject coz I didn’t want to spoil our day. We actually spent the whole afternoon watching dvd at my place and it was just so nice to be with him so I never dared talk about my sentiments. This morning though, I got a message from my ex-bf, who also saw my friendster profile, msg is: ".baby, what’s with the open relationship thing, want to come over my place some time and talk?".DARN! BIG DARN! I didn’t post it there to advertise myself, it’s not even a hint that I am there for the taking. Oh, maybe I'm overreacting, my ex could be just concerned about me for all I know .But, I really don’t know.

and so i was sulking the whole weekend (at least half of it :) coz of what i have realized ---his blogs hurt me----and then this morning his friendster profile...what's next to come?
I won't be surprised if one day he shouts to my face, "Hey! finally found someone, so get out of my life!" That would kill me....but he's probably not gonna care.

He told me not to hate the rain, coz it makes one reflects on his life. NEWSFLASH! I don't need the rain to reflect on my life. I can reflect on my life given any free time---a cab ride home or even on a puv.....when your hurt you need not wait for the rain to dwell on your thoughts...to feel your pain....to feel sorry for yourself...and finally to get some answers---so that you can accept and move on....coz it's everywhere...could be in the rain but it could also be in the sun, and it's better to get answers from the sun coz it's brighter....

it hurts a lot that the person you have learned to love , keeps on reminding you that you're just friends...and that you are just there for the taking. but you just hang in there--because you love.

They always say that when you truly love a person, do not expect him to love you back. You give your love unconditionally. Shall I stick to that? It so pains me to read his thoughts on his blogs, everytime he mentions that he is not giving up on love---that he will one day meet his one special love. Can it be that he just did'nt realize my existence? Why is he still out there looking when I am just in his side? I may not be good enough for him (sigh) but I have so much love to give, if only he'll allow me. But then again, I shouldn't expect, right?

Should I start looking for my one special love too? Should I stop seing him?

Living alone gives you all the creeps sometimes… Lying in bed at night seing only the four corners of your room makes you freaky. There are even times you cry alone, talk to yourself, laugh by yourself ..my!! that makes you even more freaky.. BUT , being alone gives you all the time to yourself –to contemplate on things. And boy! Really be yourself—do-whatever-you-want-coz-nobody-cares…but just like in any other situation there are the pros and cons….and it’s up to you to decide on how to live your life. And pretty much learn how to handle yourself----being alone too much can make you vulnerable. Does that lead to lunacy, eh? Shall I pack my bags and stay with relatives instead? :P

Ok so I begged him to come over Saturday afternoon..then he said uhm, m still sleepy maybe later, I’ll call you around five. From the moment I put down the phone I knew he’s not gonna make it. I would of course understand that he won’t be able to make it because it rained till night time. But at least I was expecting a txt msg (if not a phonecall) that he can’t make it. To show respect , right? But he didn’t. I took it calmly though – tried to forget and slept if off. The next morning, I planned for a peaceful Sunday. I went to church and agreed to meet an old friend for lunch. Then he called for us to meet . I hurried home in order to meet him, hoping for a wonderful time together. He came late afternoon, he can’t stay long because he still has to run errands for his family. He stayed for a little less than an hour, enough time to talk why he stood me up last Saturday, But NO! he never mentioned the thing. He just stayed there as if everything’s fine. I was waiting for a little explanation coz it’s impossible to expect an apology, to no avail. I felt like a trash, and soooo close from bursting into tears. I was able to wait till he found a cab before I entertained my tears. And there I was alone in my room with nobody to talk to, luckily I chanced on one of my close friends in college who can understand me so well, and poured out my sentiments to her. I felt better, but still hurting..

If you achingly want to stay with somebody and keep the good things you share with each other---do you really have to compromise that much? Have you ever been so afraid to ask if that person loves you or even at least know if you really mean to him because he might reject you. So you just settle to what he can offer right now. Pathetic, right? But a lot of girls does that, just to continue being with the person they love. Do i have to join them in the firing squad? Ü Or should I put a foot forward and ask the guy if there's really a chance for us? come what may? Am i ready to be dumped ? again? How can you play the game when you don't really know the game you're supposed to play?